Tag Archives: friendship

The dragonfly visitor

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As I continue to fight to get over a lingering illness, my energy is slowly coming back. A couple of days ago, I knew I was on the mend because I felt like going outside to take some pictures.

A visitor has been stopping by my house every day, usually several times a day. She kindly posed for me on several of her favorite perches:

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Glittering in the sun

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Smiling at me?

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Sunning atop an apple tree

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I cannot get over the intricacy of her wings

I’ve been calling her Joy—first, because her visits delight me. Second, one of my dearest friends is named Joy, and she loves dragonflies. So when this small, beautiful creature visits me, she makes me smile and makes me think of my sweet friend.

What visitors delight you in your garden? Or bring you joy on your daily walk? Or welcome you in a special place you visit to unwind?

 

The unreality of watching an ultra

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Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion.

—Ecclesiastes 4:9–10

Three weekends ago, my husband and I were back in North Carolina as volunteers for the Umstead 100 Mile Endurance Run. The phrase “It takes a village” comes to mind when I think of this race, and though I’m not sure, I suspect there are at least as many, if not more, volunteers as runners who come out for this race. One of my “jobs” for the race was to take photographs of the runners, something I enjoy very much—much more than I would actually running 100 miles.

It was a hard day to sit, though, or even stand in one place to take pictures. It was bitterly cold, even after the sun came out. We knew it would be cold and brought winter gear that had gone unused here in California; so I triple-layered my clothes that morning and slid into a sleeping bag before sitting down. The cold seeped in, despite my efforts to fight it. I suppose I could blame California for already wiping out my cold tolerance, but I suspect I would have been cold anyway. I fretted for the runners’ struggle during the run, sweating and warm from running but then getting chilled from the unwelcome wind.

I cheered as they rounded the corner toward me, mostly to lift their spirits but also to draw out smiles when I could. Many of them smiled and cheered right back, grateful for someone sitting out there to capture their big day. A few were concerned about my warmth and safety, but I assured them I would be okay.

One said to me as he passed by a second or third time (it’s a 12.5 mile loop course the runners run eight times), “Oh, good. They’ve gotten you a blanket.” I guess he was just noticing the sleeping bag. I wondered who “they” were and whether “they” would bring me something hot to drink. He seemed genuinely relieved to see that I might not freeze to death with the camera in my hand.

Not everyone smiled, some too caught up in the act of running or the desire to compete well, but I began to pick out favorites whose own enthusiasm and energy kept me going throughout the day.

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The woman in the cat hat has gold wings on her feet! When the race is long, wearing something fun and running together can make the miles pass more easily.

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Bundled up but smiling

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Zen running?

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The happiest set

When this trio rounded the corner, the man in orange gloves called out to me and said, “On the count of three, we’re all going to jump. Are you ready?” He did a slow count to make sure I was ready, and I snapped this shot. Then he ran around behind me and had me check to make sure I had captured the moment. I laughed when the woman told them, “I didn’t jump.” They were less energetic the next time through but still had their senses of humor intact.

A dear friend of mine came and rescued me at lunchtime. We headed off to Panera for soup and hot tea. That’s when it hit me, the feeling I get anytime I leave an ultra and head back into the “real” world temporarily. I begin to wonder at the number of people out doing their typical Saturday afternoon thing while something amazing is happening not far from them. You’re missing the amazing thing! I want to tell them all. There are runners out in the woods accomplishing this awe-inspiring run, and you’re missing it! Why are any of you here at Panera when this unreal thing is happening in the woods just minutes away?

I don’t even really know how to explain this feeling I get, but it happens every single time my husband runs an ultra that I go watch or every ultra where we volunteer. The fact that Panera or the shopping centers are even open, much less full, messes with my equilibrium somehow.

When I got back and resumed taking pictures, the realness of the runners’ efforts settled back in. I know Panera and the park and the lives in both places are equally real, but what was happening on the trail that day felt simultaneously surreal, unreal and realer than any other thing going on that day.

It’s as though my mind whirs at a different speed during an ultra, my hyper-focused self shuts out the rest of the world to bask in the race and to cheer on the runners.

The emotions can get pretty real and raw out here at the race, too. One woman said, “I don’t think I’ll be able to smile the next time around.” I told her she wouldn’t have to for me, because I was getting ready to leave.

These two runners stopped to embrace several times before the aid station. Only they know what running together had meant to the two of them and what the thought of running separately after this point might mean.

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For some, there would be tears and disappointments, injuries too painful to ignore, motivations blown away in the bitter wind.

But for plenty of runners, there would still be moments of levity, laughter and joy.

In the last couple of hours before sunset, I began seeing runners come through with their pacers (something they can do after 6 p.m. or after they hit the 50-mile mark, whichever comes first). A pacer can make all the difference between a runner finishing or dropping out because the pacer brings fresh legs, a clear mind, energy, and conversation to accompany and encourage the runner.

The photo below speaks to the invaluable presence of a pacer (and also reminded me of Ecclesiastes 4:9): Two are better than one. And sometimes, a third person with a camera helps, too.

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Grits and other grains of truth

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And let us consider how we may spur one another toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.”

Hebrews 10:24-25

I’ve been reading and thinking (and writing) a lot these days about friendships and community. How does community look from the outside and the inside? How do we delve and connect more deeply to shift from being strangers to friendly acquaintances to true friends?

In talking with several friends about what keeps this connection in place, I hear again and again the common thread of reaching out and making time for new friendship.

Two weeks ago, my new next-door neighbor rolled down her car window and called out “Hello” to me. She said we should have lunch, and so last week, we drove to a sweet little cafe and spent a couple of hours enjoying good food and getting to know each other. She reached out, and we both carved out some time from busy schedules to make a connection.

Just the other morning, I got an email from one of my cousins (whom I also consider a friend). She’s semi-retired from a career as a family physician, newly remarried, and living in a different city from where she raised her three now-grown children. Her words resonated with me:

I have had to do a lot of thinking about creating “connections” outside those arenas. … It’s interesting—once I realized what that vague emptiness was I felt better because I could be more proactive and seek out other friendships. It’s not easy—but I feel it slowly working.

Friendships don’t come easy, and past elementary school, strong bonds rarely happen quickly. They can take time, and I wonder if we as a society aren’t losing patience with things that take time.

You may be wondering what this all has to do with grits.

I walked down the pasta aisle of my new “regular” grocery store this weekend and stopped dead:

Pre-cooked grits? No, California, just no.

Pre-cooked grits? No, California, just no.

To any self-respecting southern girl, this is a horrifying sight, a thing that shouldn’t even exist but does. I stood and stared, perplexed. Ummmm, pre-cooked, slice-and-serve grits rolled up like a sleeve of sausage? No, no, no, no, no. Grits cook so quickly, especially if you buy the quick cook kind. Even the slow cook kind only take twenty to thirty minutes. They don’t hold up all that well as leftovers. So why, oh why, would you need these pre-cooked grits, essentially packaged leftovers?

More and more, our society wants instant everything: movies-on-demand, quick meet-ups, fast-formed friendships and, apparently, faster-than-instant grits.

Some things are just better with time, though. Grits and friendships fall into this category. Real grits don’t take much time and only a little attention, but real friendships do. Friendships require effort: making space on packed calendars; spending time with others; hearing and speaking concerns, joys, hopes, dreams.

Of the early friendships I’ve begun building here, every single one has the same two essential ingredients: openness and time. Plus some food added in the mix for good measure.

These friendships will not all end up looking the same, like those pre-cooked grit patties sliced from a plastic tube. Just as grits are tasty with a variety of add-ins, friendships flower in many different, beautiful ways.

Hebrews 10 encourages the church community to continue meeting, but it applies to friends, too. Do not give up on meeting together. Are you missing a friend who hasn’t reached out in some time? Pick up the phone or send an email yourself. Have someone new in your neighborhood or at work you’d like to get to know better? Plan a coffee or lunch date. Feel a lack of friends in your life? Try a new hobby or rekindle an old one to see what new friends are waiting there for you. Whatever you do, though, make sure meeting with friends doesn’t involve pre-cooked grits (shudder).

Do you have a recipe—for friendships or grits—that you’d like to share? I’d love to hear from you.

Reinventing the self and putting down roots

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“You don’t let any moss grow, do you.” My new friend stated this more than asked it. If I hadn’t been the only one sitting across from her at her dining room table, I would have looked around to see who else she was addressing. I am, after all, the most moss-growingest person I know.

“I’m really very shy,” I told another new friend over chai at a quaint little coffee shop. We were getting to know each other, having giggled at first meeting that it seemed a bit like a blind date.

“You hide it very well.” I guess I do. I am shy, perhaps not as much as my younger self was, but put me in a group of more than two or three others, and I am perfectly content to listen instead of speaking.

I proved my shyness at a writers’ workshop two Saturdays ago, refusing to volunteer any answers to the larger group. I spoke up when we broke into small groups but only because it would have been completely ridiculous of me not to say anything. It was the kind of discussion intended for colleagues and friends who know each other well, an exercise in identifying each others’ voices in our writing. None of these women knew my name much less my writing. Part of me wanted to slide down onto the floor and slink out of the room at that point, but others would have noticed. Besides, my groupmates were so lovely about trying to draw me out.

I have not been in my comfort zone these past few weeks, having to stretch and reach out and introduce myself and combat my hermit-like tendencies. I don’t have the luxury of being my usual shy, reticent self here, and I’m trying to create opportunities to meet new friends instead of waiting passively for opportunities to find me. Some days bring more success than others.

As I reinvent myself, I realize I’m starting to establish new roots of friendship.

I wrote to thank a neighbor for a Christmas plant she had hand-delivered the day after I arrived here. As I wrote, I realized her gift was the only plant we had in our house, and I knew I needed something rooted and growing. Because of California laws barring plants from out of state, I had to give away all of my house plants before leaving North Carolina. Sweet family and friends took in my orphaned plants, including several jade plants I had started as a single plant at least fifteen years ago. Through writing that note, I discovered I was missing not only my human friends but also my little green friends. A trip to Trader Joe’s provided a solution:

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A new baby jade plant

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Another succulent that I may or may not be able to keep alive. I’ve tucked a jade plant leaf in the pot, just in case.

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A third set of succulents for good measure

These new houseplants bring me a surprising amount of giddy joy every time I look at them.

I’ve realized, too, that I’m benefiting from the roots others have put down. While my husband and I haven’t done any outdoor planting, or much weeding for that matter, we are enjoying the plants and trees someone planted before us, especially the three citrus trees keeping us well supplied with fruit. No scurvy for us! My husband frequently picks an orange to take into work, and I’ve been using the clementines on salads and as snacks. What a delight that someone before us planted them for us to now enjoy.

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Beyond the garden, my new friends have strong roots of their own here. This is home for them, and most remember a time of leaving “home” to move here and make this a new home. What a blessing they are to me as they introduce me to places they love and carve out time for a new friend in their own packed lives.

I know I’ll make some missteps as I reinvent my life to fit with this place, but I also hope to learn how to nourish new roots and create something worthy and flourishing here.

Have you ever had to reinvent yourself? What was the catalyst? And how well did you succeed?

NC2NC: Settling in (and contest winners)

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A dear friend of mine sent me to California with a bundle of letters to open on certain occasions (like “something that makes you hum,” and “when you just don’t want to get out of bed”). It was such a sweet gift, and her letters never fail to make me smile when I open them. There’s one I haven’t yet opened.

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An envelope still waiting

I’m not sure when I’ll feel settled. Maybe it’ll be the morning I don’t lose 45 minutes searching for things that I knew exactly where to find in my old house but am struggling to find now (that was me this morning—first, looking for my pup’s vet records so I can keep her all legal here, and second, looking for the little state flags I bought to share with you on this blog).

Maybe it’ll be the evening I don’t have to try every single light switch to get the one I want, though I’ve almost given up on that, convinced that the electrician who wired this house was drunk or otherwise in an altered state of mind, and therefore, I will never make sense of what switches activate which lights. Never.

Maybe it’ll be the afternoon I don’t have to pull up Google maps to find my way to Target. I’ll be doing that later today, and I’d love simply to drive away from my house without a second thought about how I’m going to get to the store.

So I won’t open the letter today. But someday soon, I’ll stop waiting and declare myself settled, at least enough to open the envelope my sweet friend prepared for me.

I did find the flags, though, and here they are:

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From time to time here, you’ll see NC2NC in the headline. That’s my move: North Carolina to Northern California. In each NC2NC post, you’ll see a flag for the state that wins on a certain point, like, say winter weather.

This morning, in my hometown of Raleigh, NC, an ice storm delayed schools. Now, I love a good snow day, but this was no good snow day. Ice is just a frustration and a danger, and I’ve grown to loathe ice storms more than any other winter weather. I heard through Facebook friends that it cleared up quickly, the kids off to school.

However, I didn’t have to experience it myself. Or last week’s chilly morning when my mom called to tell me it had been 14º when she and my dad left for their walk.

So today, I’m ready to declare a winner on the winter weather front: Northern California. Now, I know Tahoe isn’t far away, and I could get more than my share of snow and chains for my tires, but I admit: I’ve enjoyed being able to run in weather that’s warm enough to leave gloves at home and even occasionally take off my jacket and run in short sleeves. In January.

The other three seasons may have me singing a different tune and waving a different flag, but for today, it’s California. And that makes me feel one step closer to settled.

My question for you this week:

For those of you who have made major moves, what was the moment you realized you felt settled?

And now, a drumroll, please …
In last week’s post, I announced that I’d be giving away three copies of my book. Congratulations to John D., Chris B. and Vicky M.! I’ll be sending you each a Facebook message later today to arrange shipment.

For those of you who didn’t win, I hope you’ll consider getting a copy the old-fashioned way.

Asking for a favor
I need a little help. For all of you who have read the book or are reading the book, you would gain my undying gratitude if you would rate and/or review the book on Lulu.com, goodreads,  amazon.com, barnesandnoble.com or wherever else you like to talk about books. Books live and die by reviews, and right now, well … mine could use some TLC. Many thanks in advance.

Have questions about the book? Hop over to goodreads where I’m answering questions about the book and writing in general.